How Guinea Pigs Control Us

Your doom. It's fuzzular.

Before I go deeper into the story of my own pigs, I thought it necessary to cover why it is that we humans so easily bend over backwards for these tiny rodents. Guinea Pigs are using us for their ulterior motives. Make no mistake, that they use their wiles to get their way. Humans aren't the only creatures who know how to use tools, and we are their favorite screwdriver.

I will illustrate with photos so you, the human, will be better able to identify the signs that a guinea pig is trying to use you for his or her own devices. Warning! These images are not for the faint of heart, and I am not legally responsible for any veggies that go missing should you enter a hypnotic stupor after viewing these images. If you are ready to know the truth, read on...

Guinea Pig Weapon #1
Tiny Feets

Observe the feigned sleep of the guinea pig. He does not sleep, he waits.

They can be sharp, but this is not the danger. The danger is far worse than mere stabbiness. Guinea pigs use their tiny feets as lures to draw in their prey- like fishing for humans. They dangle them, pose them, fold them neatly on top of one another. But make no mistake that behind every foot position, is an agenda. They know the irresistible power of tiny toes, and are not afraid to use it against us. Guinea pig feet wiggling and leg extension has caused much damage to human existence, mostly in the area of the grocery bill. Prolonged exposure causes high pitched squealing and cooing, so proceed with caution.

Guinea Pig Weapon #2
Floppy Ears

They can hear the fridge door opening nanoseconds before you actually touch it.

They are not just sensitive listening organs, they are sophisticated mind control devices. Floppy ears exude special pheromones that make them irresistible to touch. Once touched, there is little hope for the victim and they will return again and again to the scene of the crime- powerless to think or put down the apple slices. Floppy ears are a special danger when they are at rest, but their sphere of influences increase by 75% when they are wiggling ominously during a chewing episode. The rhythmic wiggling is capable of lulling a human into a trance state, and most victims who are entrapped in this stage will not be able to avoid petting them. Be forewarned that these velvety looking flaps contain an addictive chemical that absorbs into the skin when touched, guaranteeing servitude to whoever strokes them.

Guinea Pig Weapon #3
Cute Button Eyes

Unblinking, unforgiving, unscruplous.

Round, brown, or red, and shiny. Limpid pools of pure cuteness. They stare into the core of your soul, and can see every thought or feeling you've ever had. Stare too deeply, and they will put you into a trance, from which you will later awaken with dizziness, amnesia, and a large pile of carrot peelings. Staring directly into the eyes for extended periods is especially dangerous, and can leave even the toughest human able to utter only squeals and gurgles. No matter how they tug at your heart strings, don't give in to them.

Guinea Pig Weapon #4
Fuzzy Leeps

If you are this close to peeg leeps, it is already too late.

If you manage to avoid their eyes, DO NOT look down, lest you fall prey to a more potent threat- PEEG LEEPS. Exposure to peeg leeps may cause spontaneous sighing, watery eyes, heart palpitations, and loss of muscle control which typically leads to a sort of fugue state that ends in the sacrificial offering of lettuce. Should you or anyone you know come into physical contact with peeg leeps, either in a snuffling or nomming instance, you are doomed. The fuzz on peeg leeps contains a toxin that inhibits logical thought, and like a drug addled musician, you refuse to go to rehab.

Guinea Pig Weapon #5
Tiny Pink Tongues
Like minuscule pieces of pink pez, pig tongues look sweet, but are deadly. Usually this weapon is deployed on someone who has already been exposed to a lethal amount of peeg leeps, and serves to finish them off. Tiny pink tongues are used for licking away the will to escape. The excrete a super toxin that binds to the autonomic nervous system, causing the victim to become goggle eyed, and inhibiting any sort of flight response. The victims typically display signs of complete mental takeover, and make high pitched squeeing noises or can be seen slavishly piling fruit at the feet of their new found master.
Because of their potency, I cannot illustrate pig tongues here for the good of mankind.

Guinea Pig Weapon #6
Cuddly Texture

Note the imperatorial glee of this guinea pig who has
successfully subjugated this unwary humanoid.

Underneath their fiendish fuzziness, lurks a small, herbivorous dictator. All the more reason to use a super furry cloaking device that makes those who should run in fear, want to snuggle them. This cloaking device- soft, colorful fur. Of all their weaponry, being cuddly is the most likely to draw in the prey, making it a great long range weapon. Once the unfortunate soul has engaged in the petting, the Guinea Pig will make use of its other nefarious tactics so it may capture many souls to feed its ungodly appetite. So many have fallen under the spell of their luxurious color patterns, and dangerously touchable textures such as the smooth hair, the ruffly abyssinian, the super fuzzy teddy, and the begging-to-be-brushed, long haired peruvian. Few have petted who have not bowed to the whims of these tiny overlords, who respond to this show of affection by making adorable cooing sounds that whittle away at the petters resistance. This makes them impossible to put down.

If you or someone you know has been engaged in any of the above described manners by a guinea pig, they are lost. There is no hope for you. There is no "cure", nor antidote, or special deprogramming method that will recover for you your autonomy. It is not them that have been domesticated, haha, no. It is us. Enjoy your new masters, for they know where you live, and where you are keeping the raisins.